Some Insight

I learned a lot from pain in my life. But this month I took a lot of benefit of my delightful trip to Amsterdam. Today it crossed my mind that what I believed in theory is really true. One can learn from joy as well.

I think I will take that road more often in the future. Wanna join me?

"If there's hell on earth, there must be heaven, too"
(Crowded House)

Mind Sugar

Last week I had another brainwave. I have to go back a bit in order to make it at least a bit comprehensible. Sometimes we get hit by the light while our revolutionary ideas would not change other people's life at all. Although we think we just hit pay dirt. LOL

When I grew up I had a sweet tooth. I was addicted to chocolate for a very long time, but any other candy would do as a substitute. Ice cream was an all time favorite, then again there are hardly any sweets I didn't like except maybe liquorice. But this word contains the word liquor, which I never liked either. Maybe that's why? OK. I am getting silly now. Suffice it to say that I had this habit and I managed to get away from it. Nowadays I don't even crave for sweets and even the scent of chocolate can make me feel sick sometimes. What I gained was a new sensitivity of my taste buds. To me so many things taste sweet and I never use salt or any other spices because they just tamper with the real thing. And I am not only talking about fruit here. A tomato can be sweeter than a cherry pie. Even endive has a sugary quality about it.

So there is no sugar in my food anymore. At least not that I know of. But sometimes I grab the wrong things from the shelve. That's what happened in Amsterdam. I wanted to shop plain biological yoghurt and when I opened it up and licked the stuff from the lid I tasted: SUGAR. Biological non-refined sugar, but nonetheless sugar. I was tempted for a moment and the thought of "just this once" crossed my mind. But then I threw it all away. This would have been like the first glass to an alcohol addict. And what for? It didn't even taste excellent.

Last week I was hunted by unhappy and totally superfluous thoughts. An issue so unimportant that I cannot even remember what it was all about, but it made me feel miserable. Suddenly I had the image of me throwing away the Vanilla yoghurt I mistook for a plain one. And then it hit me. These thought were just like sugar to my mind. I had not problems throwing away the yoghurt, why not treat thoughts like this the same way. They are just as unhealthy for my system as the sugar. So I will refuse to have them in my sytem any longer. And it works, folks. At least as long as I can think of the image again. Then I don't have any problems to trash whatever is bothering me.

Isn't it funny how the meaning of some "stupid mistakes" like picking the wrong can of yoghurt get revealed to us one week later ;-))). So lets trust all of our errors make sense on a larger scale.

Mission Accomplished

I have been to Amsterdam with my parents for a weak. I figured it would be wise to cherish the time with them while they are still with me in this life instead of being full of regret once they have both moved on. So we picked Amsterdam as a nice spot for a holiday week.

This place is awesome. There is so much to admire and see. So we all had a wonderful time there.

Usually I have to get used to being on a tour with others since in my usual single life there are only rare occasions for delay. If I plan to go out, I grab my purse and shoes and off I am. With the three of us that was a whole different story. You always hang behind because one still has to pay a visit to the bathroom while the other one just needs to comb some hair. Then the next one decides to switch shoes due to the weather. In the meantime the one that has been ready to go from the first moment on decides to go to the bathroom just as a precautionary measure (of course that would be me LOL). So the time it takes to finally get going is stretched out a bit compared to when I am on my own.


While this tends to be a challenge to my patience in my average life I was in a totally different state of mind this week. I was just happy to be with my parents. What did it matter if I had to wait for them to get ready when the whole idea was not getting to some nice tourist attraction but simply being with them? I was pleased as Punch to have them around. The nice outings were just some adornment. So I discovered myself to be in the here and now totally. In fully acceptance of the situation we would find. Even if this meant a waiter was taking too long so that our hot drinks would be only lukewarm by the time they had arrived. I sensed my dad's anger about it, but I could leave that with him. I didn't need to take over and change the situation - or him and his emotions - in order to feel comfortable myself.

Back in my hometown I fell back into my old rut and got nervous when things didn't present themselves in a way I would have expected. I longed for my relaxed state of mind but did not know how to get there. Until it finally struck me. Maybe my purpose on earth is to spend this life relishing the company of myself rather than doing this or planing that. While I toyed with this idea I found that there was much comfort to be found. I don't have to "get" anywhere, because I already achieved my goal. I am with me. No need to fuss about anything else.

Mission accomplished !

I had a vision

Yesterday I had a vision. At least literally speaking. I finally took a test ride with the car I consider to buy. It's fun to drive with, feels great and has an unbelievable tight turning circle. The power steering - which I never had before - is pure luxury, especially now since I bruised my shoulder and elbow lately. As for all the other things like the power and sound of the engine or the car stereo, I am not able to judge them because they gave me a car that came with all the bells and whistles, which I surely am not willing to afford even if I could. I can see their point though. They are not able to provide every variation, and of course they would like you to fall in love with one or the other gadget. I remained steadfast in my resolution only to buy the basic model with the smallest engine and an additional car stereo. That's a must for me - being a music and audio book lover. I cannot imagine even an one hour drive with just me doing all the entertainment.

But my resistance broke down when I saw the color. This model only comes off the peg in white and a dark blue. White looks nice for the first five minutes after a good car wash. So I targeted for the blue. It looked nice in the folder and real good on the internet. But in the flesh it looked dull and sad. I couldn't bring myself to even imagine me stepping in such a car every morning and being cheerful. I am a colorhappy person. I drink colors, I suck them in, and they are means or therapeutic treatment to me. So I had to deal with the heavy task of choosing the right color for me.

There is a very vibrant lime green and I really entertain a soft spot for this particular color. But would this be good for everyday use? Same goes for the wonderful magenta. These two colors are flying of the shelves now, so I figured this would not be the right choice. One lime green car in the street looks good, two look like competition. So I thought I would go for a color called vision blue. It looks very lively and refreshing, sporty and fast. And the image of two of a kind parking next to each other leaves me with the feeling of family instead of two bitches struggling for attention. ;-)))

I was about to leave when I spotted another option shown in the catalogue, but not on any car. Eggplant. I really love this shade and often wanted it on a car. So there I was - wavering again. This color looks classy and stylish. Shouldn't I go for the more timeless option? The downside: It only shows off in bright sunlight, otherwise it looks - well, brown.

So I went to my local yarn shop in order to sit on the couch along with some other customers to knit for a while and give my thoughts some rest. When I stepped in there was already one knitting friend sitting there. She never shows up that early and what came even more as a surprise, for once she was not wearing her usual autumn colors. She always goes for orange, rust, pumpkin, olive, and sometimes even brown. But this day she wore vision blue. The exact color I was on the verge of ordering. That couldn'd be just a coincidence. I think the message is clear.

This "vision" will cost me some additional money, and if I ever have to replace a fender, it will increase the amount necessary for the repair, but since money is always floating back..... I had another prove of that two days ago, when a second hand dealer who sold me a book online did not score full marks in my comment because the book was in worse shape than he had promised in his description. The dealer wrote me a mail offering a refund if I would delete my comment. I readily agreed to that. So it's not even pennies on the streets anymore ;-))).

I think I will go for my vision. Even the name is stirring me on. And it reminds me of the vastness of the sky on a clear day. Like the one you see in the picture with the fabulous tree. May there be more visions to come.


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Signs

Some decision has to be made. Which means I need a new car. I never thought this would happen so soon, but due to circumstances that might only bore the pants off you a change has to be made quickly. There are of course thousand options and even more opinions. It's like going to the doctors. Ask seven people and you will get just as much advice.

What it all boils down to is that I could go for a very reasonable car that looks nice and is supposed to stay with me for a very long time. It has a year more to offer warranty-wise than the other option, which has a fairly good reputation too, but looks real cool. In either case I would be flat broke and all my savings for other occurrences will be gone in a wink. So wouldn't I be better off with something that fully pleases me now and which might be just as long lasting as the other car?

But that itself is not very miraculous. Surprisingly there is something else going on since this car issue is on my mind. I stumble across money. It started with one cent in the storeroom at work while I was discussing car options with a very nice and helpful colleague. I gave the lucky penny to him without thinking.

Next day I went grocery shopping and found even more cents on my way to the store. And then the thought struck my mind that someone might try to get a message through to me. Hadn't I made the experience more than once before that spending all my savings would not leave me destitute. More money would be bound to rush in, so this wouldn't be the end of the world obviously. Of course such an investment has to be considered thoroughly, but after all the thinking is done it's time to put all my trust in the universal power of refilling my resources again.

And in order to really emphasize this point someone up there sent me a dream last night in which I again found money on the street. Looks like this energy is trying to get in even through concrete. Just like dandelions - the bravest flowers in our civilization - wiggle their way through stones and walls.



I think it's time to send my response to whomever is messaging me there:

"ROGER, I think I got it now!"

What A Day

I know, I know,

I neglected this blog tremendously. All the little things that happened seemed either too minor or did not put me into a spirit of enthusiasm enough to get me started on writing. But this day honestly has.


I have to start with a little bit of prehistory. I am confronted with a streak of loose ends at the moment. A lot of material things need to be fixed plus my parents aren't doing that well. My mom came down with a serious disease which is chronic but can be treated. Thank goodness. But all of this is keeping me a little bit under stress. And one way for me to deal with this is seemingly having some weird sort of accident in which I hurt myself in order to focus on me again plus giving me a break and some allowance to be weak and fragile.


In this case it happened on Saturday as I tripped when I was walking through the inner city. I fell hard on the ground and on my right shoulder and elbow. Some nice passers-by immediately stopped and made sure I was fine to walk and take care of myself. I was a bit under shock and my arm hurt immensely, but since I could move it in every direction I figured nothing was broken. I went to a hospital on Sunday to get an X ray after a night without sleep and a lot of more pain since my shoulder was swollen now, got some medication and the diagnosis that nothing was broken (thanks Geoff), got better and went to work on Monday. Not such a good idea, although driving is a funny experience steering with the right hand while shifting gears with the left ;-))) . This really works. LOL


Anyhow, in a nutshell, I called in sick today because I overdid it on Monday and needed to give my arm rest. I had a very pleasant day which feels a bit funny, because one is not supposed to have fun when being on sick leave. At least that's what my inner critic would say. But I did not pay attention to this fellow. Instead I decided to take a walk in order to at least have some exercise since my daily work out is badly stripped down to half an hour and would exclude everything that includes the arms. I wanted to try on a ring I had seen in a shop window twice. The shop was always closed then but the ring really got me hooked. A dangerous stroll, but this thing was really calling me. And it fits perfectly and looks good, feels good, so I went for it.



I kept it on but the lady was still handing me the little box. And funny enough I took it with me although I thought I would throw this little plastic cube away immediately as soon as I got home.





Then I wanted to have a water in the sun so I went to several street cafés. I like to do that from time to time in order to socialize and have some small talk with strangers. The first place was only serving sparkling water and the second place was shadowy and asked for such a ridiculously high price for just a glass of water that I decided to walk back home, grab a bottle of my own water, and go to the park across the street in order to sit on a bench in the sun.


While I was happily knitting and talking to my mom on my cell a handicapped women asked if she could join me on the bench. I asked her if she would mind me finishing my conversation, and she said that wouldn't be a problem for her. So I talked to my mom for several minutes longer and after I hung up this woman and I drifted into a conversation. A real good one. She had an attitude one does not meet very often. Like she thought that people who always get disappointed by others better should ask themselves what THEY did wrong instead of blaming the ones who let them down. WOW. I always thought sitting in the green is nicer, but would exclude me from a nice conversation so I mostly I opt for the cafés instead. And today I had been given all of it this morning. The green that heals my soul, a chat with a lady who shared my opinions.


After lunch I had an appointment with a physiotherapist. This date had been set up before Easter but it came in quite handy now because that guy could examine my arm and shoulder from another point of view. I went there early and sat down in another park previously unknown to me. The grass had just been mown and I felt very happy. I love the scent of freshly mown grass. Some children had collected all the cut off dandelions and as I passed one girl she was fondling one silvery blossom which they had laid out separately. I asked her what they collected them for. She said they would sell them and I should feel how nice and soft they were. "Oh", I said, "so these are wishing flowers?" And she confirmed that. I wanted to buy one and she only asked one cent - after consulting her older brother. So I gave them ten cents for two blossoms. Her brother picked out the second one and made sure I got a real big one. I wanted to send them to my mom but could not think of a way to protect them on my way home - when I remembered the little plastic cube I got from the woman who sold the ring. Bingo. I was so amazed how everything fell into place.


I sat a knit for a while and then I realized that this park was full of lilac bushes. My mom had asked me to make a photo shot of a white one. She needs that for a birthday gift and I know that there is one bush close to a friend's garden, but the blossoms are very high in the sky and hard to shoot. So I went to that park again after seeing the physiotherapist and was lucky to find one bush with white blossoms.

All the kids had discovered that there was some money in selling flowers and I bought some lilacs for 50 cent since I love the scent of lilac in my house.


How nicely everything turned out this day. I was really giving up control and whenever I do this I am guided and well protected.

I only wish I could surrender more often, but I surely will have to pursue this.

Funny Money

Yesterday as I was talking on the phone with my already introduced soul sister we discussed the different attitudes people have towards money. While some seem to hoard it up, counting every penny although they are quite long on dimes, there are these other people who tend to squander it as fast as they can. Needless to say that we both rather belong to the latter category although we are careful not to make debts, of course, and try to spend it within reason. (Reason is a very elastic term, mind. LOL)

Both of us fail to understand the use of piling dollars if you don't intend to "reinvest". My mom always used to say: "Money is a dead matter, you have to convert it into life by spending it." And this makes sense to me, since I always regarded money as a form of energy. If it doesn't flow, there won't be any light, right?

But it was not before this morning that the full extent of its fleetness was revealed to me. Money itself represents a value, sometimes even a lot of value admittedly, but it only unveils it's merits if you seek to not having it any more. Otherwise it will be but an abstract figure on your bank statement or - if you keep it at home - hold the value of the paper it's printed on. So in order to get a "good run for your money", all you have to do is losing it, spreading it around, giving it away. The moment you try to hold onto it, it's value dissolves magically into nothing. In this regard money almost resembles ...

LOVE. ;-))))